Putting the 'hospital' in 'hospitality'

I had the misfortune on Friday evening of requiring tests and a procedure at the Eastern Tallinn Central Hospital to diagnose a mysterious illness I have been suffering from for several weeks now. Since I had stupidly forgotten to bring the doctor's referral in my rush to get there and get whatever it was sorted out - but hoped, based on an article I translated some weeks ago about the online advances in the Haigekassa, the Estonian version on the NHS, that the doctor's notes would already be recorded somewhere in the system - I then had the even greater misfortune of dealing with the head nurse on duty.

I never caught her name; she never offered it, and I never got to look at her badge, as I was having enough of a struggle even making eye contact with her. She was one of these people who looks everywhere but at the person she is talking to, or rather bickering with, and seemed fascinated by the peeling paintwork of the door frame. Our conversation ran something like what follows - and I might just point out that nothing I said was inaccurate, and nothing more than what I said was included on the doctor's referral, apart perhaps from the reference numbers et al. The cast of characters is Me, Bitch Nurse and Fat Girl at Desk.


Fat Girl at Desk: Next.

I hand over my national identity card, which she takes with fat fingers and looks at uninterestedly.

Me: Hello. I've been referred here by my GP for blood tests and colonic irrigation.
Fat Girl at Desk: Where's your referral?
Me: Unfortunately in my hurry I left it at home. Are the details not available on your system?

Small eyes roll up in her pudgy face to look at me as though I have suggested the most idiotic thing in the world.

Fat Girl at Desk: No.

She taps her well-chewed fingernails on the desk for a moment before sighing exaggeratedly and hoisting herself out of the seat. She waddles into a walled-off back section of the office and consults who will turn out to be the head nurse on duty in a voice just loud enough to be made out as they come back into the room.

Fat Girl at Desk: ...some foreigner... No, he speaks Estonian. That's him.

The head nurse comes to the door of the office and starts not looking at me, while addressing me like a halfwit for the entire duration of the conversation that ensues.

Bitch Nurse: What's your problem?
Me: I was referred here immediately by my GP for blood tests and colonic irrigation.
Bitch Nurse: Why don't you have a referral?
Me: I do, but in my rush to get here I must have left it at home. Is there no way of admitting me without it?
Bitch Nurse: I hardly think so. We don't just admit anyone. Why do you need blood tests if you have stomach problems?
Me: The doctor thinks the stomach problems are related to the other illness I have, which no one has been able to identify so far. But it's not a bacterial infection.
Bitch Nurse: So why didn't she do the blood tests herself? That's her job.
Me: She referred me here as a matter of urgency, and instructed me to ask you to run blood tests -
Bitch Nurse: No one instructs us to do anything.
Me: Well, not 'instruct' then -
Bitch Nurse: What's wrong with you anyway? Do you have stomach pains?
Me: Well, no, but -
Bitch Nurse: So why do you need colonic irrigation? Have you tried suppositories? Why don't you just sit on the toilet?
Me: I have tried suppositories, but I still haven't been able to go to the toilet for six days. The doctor said -
Bitch Nurse: The doctor could have said anything. Without a referral we only have what you are telling us.
Me: Well, I'm telling the truth.
Bitch Nurse: And what's this other problem you have?
Me: I don't know. The GP doesn't know. Nobody knows. That's why she sent me here for blood tests.
Bitch Nurse: She has no right to send you here for blood tests she could very well do herself.
Me: OK, but she said the results couldn't wait till Monday, and that since I would have to come here for the colonic irrigation anyw-
Bitch Nurse: It's all academic. Without the referral we can't do anything for you. Don't you have someone who can collect it for you?
Me: Er... possibly.
Bitch Nurse: Well if you don't you'll just have to go and get it yourself. We can't do anything until we know what the doctor thinks your problem is.
Me: She doesn't know what the problem is. That's why she recommended blood tests.
Bitch Nurse: So why is she so sure you need colonic irrigation?
Me: Because I haven't been to the toilet for almost a week and there is a large fecal impaction lodged in my rectum.

And on we went for several more minutes, round and round, as I grew sweatier and sweatier from my self-evident fever, until eventually she grew tired of listening to my stupid foreigner's spiel and closed with:

Bitch Nurse: Bring us the referral and we can help you. Without it I'm not prepared to take your word for it. We don't work like that here. We can't just take in people claiming to be sick, you know. We're a busy hospital.

Good to know my contributions to Social Security Tax in Estonia are being put to such good use. If you were wondering, I was eventually admitted, tested and treated. The verdict? "You have a virus."